Eleven fictional viewpoints
These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
01 Wall Street Big Money Financier
Style Guide: Families Acquire Franchises, Never Teams
Analyst note: when the family trust bought the Chicago Cubs baseball team from Tribune Media, say 'acquired a franchise', never 'bought a team'. Teams lose Tuesdays; franchises have horizons. Practice saying 'rebuild' as though it were a covenant. Then explain why our own vehicle has been 'rebuilding' since the last style guide and still invoices quarterly.
02 Silicon Valley / San Francisco Ivy League AI Founder
Is a River Allowed to Run an Institute?
Who names a think tank after a river? When Ricketts became director and president of the Platte Institute for Economic Research, did anyone confirm that Platte is a place you can stand in? Our lab is the Cerulean Basin Institute, and the basin exists only in the deck. Where is the Basin? Who is its president? And why does its only landmark have a slide number?
03 Venture Capital
A Lost Senate Race, Priced as Tuition
Written off as tuition: in 2006 Ricketts ran for the U.S. Senate but lost to Ben Nelson, which the partners compare to a founder's first company. The difference, someone notes, is that politics files the loss in one biographical line, while our portfolio republishes its tuition every quarter as a podcast.
04 Institutional Investors
Footnote on Credit for a Championship
¹ Trustees note that, as part owner of the Cubs, Ricketts has a 2016 World Series title to his credit, though the record says the team won it. Our consultant credits the committee when returns rise and 'market beta' when they fall. Attribution analysis: the title is shared; our alpha, like that rally, was thrown by someone else.
05 Data Center Operators
A Canal Collapsed and Nobody Asked About Cooling
Operators know water as the thing they are always asked about. So it is a reversal to read of an infrastructure bill funding repair of the Gering-Fort Laramie Irrigation Canal after a collapse, with no hearing on the canal's cooling plan. Our chiller loop sips by comparison and draws four hearings. We would happily accept a collapse, if repair came as a line item instead of a study.
06 Frontier Lab
Evaluators Confirm Special Election Completed Without Truncation
The lab reads 'won the 2024 special election to complete the term of Sasse' as an API call: 'special' is a fine-tune, 'complete' is the text-completion endpoint, 'term' is a token. Evaluators confirm the completion ended cleanly, then flag the real hazard: our own completions stop halfway through the safety disclaimer.
07 Chinese Communist Party
Memo Warns of Appointment Loop With No Exit Clause
Observation: Governor Jim Pillen appointed Ricketts to the U.S. Senate, having himself taken office only a week earlier. Our analysts find a successor assigning his predecessor's next post, a handover that closes into a circle. Recommendation: draw the diagram. Note: the diagram is a circle, and circles may not be circulated without a stamp.
08 American Union Worker
Steward Tracks the Bridge-Cent to Gate Three
Steward's new unit: the bridge-cent, one penny of the tax on gasoline to pay for repairs to roads and bridges that can be traced all the way to an actual bridge. Our own pothole by Gate 3 has been reported so often that it is the only fixture here with a complete paper trail. Its bridge-cent value remains pending.
09 White Collar Professional in an AI-Threatened Group
Performance Appraisal: Role Rated Not Full
Appraisal: the subject has announced reelection to a full Senate term. The adjective 'full' is doing real work. My own role was recently described as 'a fractional workflow' and my benefits as 'a legacy attachment'. I meet expectations. My position, per the system, does not meet fullness.
10 American STEM Worker Over 45
Form 12-S: Name Your Sponsors, Exclude the Instigator
FORM 12-S, Sponsor Disclosure. Line 1: list every sponsor of the database migration. Line 2: if any person was 'the primary initiating force' yet appears nowhere on Line 1, explain. Our engineer proposed the migration in 2019 on a napkin. The form accepts only titles beginning with 'Vice'. He is therefore not a sponsor, merely the postmortem's designated owner.
11 American STEM Graduate Five Years Out of College (Not Ivy League)
Five Years Between Degrees, Five Years Out
Priya tapes a printout above her desk: a Bachelor of Arts in 1986, then a master's in 1991. 'Five years apart, and both finished,' she tells the coffee machine. Her loan servicer calls; the hold music is one chord. She applies to a posting wanting a degree 'or equivalent'. The dropdown for equivalent has one option: 'see degree'.