CitizenSuccess
U.S. Senator · Delaware
These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
Desk Books a Pet, Then Audits Its Own
The desk read Harry Reid's attempt to defend Coons by calling him 'my pet' as a holdings disclosure and booked a living, feeding asset with accruing vet bills. Then the risk officer noticed Dennis's 'pet trade' in Brazilian paper has sat unreviewed for six years, fed daily, never walked. The desk voted to keep the pet and dismiss the vet.
Memo: Ethics Apparently Existed Before the Product
MEMO. Re: sequencing of ethics. Finding: in 1992 he earned a master's degree in ethics from Yale Divinity School in the same year as a law degree, so the guardrails existed before the product did. Ours shipped after the apology blog. Action items: stop calling our ethics hire a 'launch blocker,' locate the guardrails folder, ask what 'Divinity' costs per seat.
The Gavel Multiple: Seats Held Per Pitch Deck
Partners have proposed the Gavel Multiple, which divides years held by pitch decks sent. For someone who served as president of the New Castle County Council from 2001 to 2005, the denominator is blank in the record, so the fund reports the multiple as 'infinite' and quietly declines to audit its own 3.1x, which needs a footnote and a down round.
Trustees Study a Payout Clause Someone Wanted Repealed
Appraisal, filed without enthusiasm: a co-sponsored bill sought to repeal a provision letting senators to sue for $500,000 in damages over seized phone records. A repeal of one's own payout is rare. Our trustee indemnity schedule contains a similar $500,000 line, drafted by trustees, for trustees. Nobody has proposed striking it. Recommendation: note the precedent, then move to the buffet.
Form 14-C Asks Where the Racks Went
FORM 14-C, Applicant of Record. Line 3, Prior Land Authority, is completed by the clerk: county executive of New Castle County from 2005 to 2010. Line 4 requests megawatts and water draw; the record supplies none. The clerk invents a box labeled 'Zoning Ghost,' ticks it, and notes that five years of county authority produced paperwork on a scale no cooling tower could match.
Safety Review Seeks a Human With One Raised Hand
"We need a Delaware moment," says the eval lead. "Vice President Joe Biden swore him in as senator on November 15, 2010. One hand up, one sentence, done." "Our safety attestation runs forty pages and nobody raises anything," says Marcus. They vote to buy a Bible, then argue whose model weights go under it.
Trainees Assigned Reading List of Stories Never Printed
Instruction to propaganda trainees: study the senators' letter, which mentions stories on wealth and corruption in the CCP that outlets allegedly chose not to publish. Step 1: admire the letter as a reading list of absent articles. Step 2: note that an unprinted story needs no retraction. Step 3: ask why the unpublished shelf is the best-circulated collection in the archive. Step 4: do not answer.
Who Moved the Grievance Box to the Other Plant?
A letter about closing Boston's regional office worried that staff would be placed farther away from the federal employees whose rights they protect. So why does our grievance box now hang at the sister plant, forty miles off? Who measures the distance between a complaint and the person it protects? And if the box has its own zip code, may the steward file it as a regional office and bill the mileage?
Vacancy Posted Eight Months, Then Filled by Nobody Licensed
Three officials declined to select a nominee for a judicial vacancy announced months ahead, and someone not licensed in Delaware eventually got the seat. Our open senior accountant requisition sat posted just as long, admired by everyone. Then software took it, licensed nowhere, and HR called the seat filled. The court at least received a person who could be asked to take a bar exam.
Footnote on What 'Special' Means at Work
In the 2010 special election, the word 'special' carried a ballot, a result, and eventually a full term.¹ ¹ Engineer's note: at my firm 'special' means a one-off assignment handed to whoever has a pension older than the product, ending with 'we'll circle back.' The Delaware version circled back in 2014. Our org chart is still circling.
Portal Demands Hometown, Skips Every Small One
The employer asked me to prove where I came from, then supplied a dropdown that omitted small places. Between Hoboken and Houston sat nothing like the town where a senator grew up in Hockessin, Delaware. I picked the nearest city. The portal replied that it could not verify my childhood, which is, in fairness, the first honest rejection I have received.
This ASD-STE100 summary is a draft. Dictionary and editorial review remain open.
Christopher Andrew Coons was born on September 9, 1963, in Greenwich, Connecticut. He grew up in Hockessin, Delaware. In 1985, he graduated from Amherst College with a Bachelor of Arts in chemistry and political science.
In 1992, he earned a master's degree in ethics from Yale Divinity School and a J.D. degree from Yale Law School. After he returned to Delaware in 1996, he worked eight years as in-house counsel for W.L. Gore & Associates. He was president of the New Castle County Council from 2001 to 2005.
He was county executive of New Castle County from 2005 to 2010. In the 2010 special election, he defeated the Republican nominee, Christine O'Donnell. Vice President Joe Biden swore him in as senator on November 15, 2010.
Voters elected him to a full term in 2014. In the 2020 general election, he defeated Lauren Witzke, 59% to 38%. He became the senior senator from Delaware when Tom Carper retired in January 2025.
Wikipedia contributors, Chris Coons, revision 1377349066. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?oldid=1377349066. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/ . Prose extracted; summary is an adaptation. Identity matched by dataset Wikipedia identifier.
Imported Wikipedia revision ↗Record date: 2026-10-25 · Party: Democrat · Term: 2021-01-03 to 2027-01-03
url: https://www.coons.senate.gov
phone: 202-224-5042
address: 218 Russell Senate Office Building Washington DC 20510
contact form: https://www.coons.senate.gov/contact
