CitizenSuccess
Vice President of the United States · United States
These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
Desk Rates Mithril Stint Its Steadiest Holding
Our desk prides itself on long-term conviction, yet its blotter turns over by Thursday. Then the file note arrives: Between 2016 and 2017 Vance was a principal at Mithril Capital, a stretch the desk now rates its steadiest holding. The managing director reverses the lobby slogan so 'long-term' means roughly one New Year's resolution, and 'conviction' means until the bonus posts.
Founder Ships "Mithril Mode" After Reading a Bloomberg Line
The founder reads that he deleted all traces of Mithril from his LinkedIn profile and hears a product spec. By morning there is a one-click button that erases your last employer. Launch-week users love it. The first to press it is his own cofounder, whose profile now lists nothing before this company, which has also stopped appearing.
Partner Memo: One Memoir, Zero Pivot Decks
TO: Partners. RE: Harper published his memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, in June 2016. Observation: one title, one publisher, no pivot deck. Our founders rewrite their one-liner nine times before a seed round. Action items: ask why a single book's subtitle runs longer than any of our portfolio mission statements, and whether anyone read past the cover before wiring money.
Trustees Notice Nobody Sits on Their Aging Committee
The trustees tally that he was additionally assigned to the Senate Special Committee on Aging, one of seven panels and subpanels. They compute seats per beneficiary and learn the figure is smaller than the number of their own pensioners' birthdays this quarter. Embarrassed, they check their agenda: the same subject appears there as "demographic headwinds," a phrase no one has to attend.
Appraisal: Muted Debate Microphone Is Finest Load Shedding on Record
Appraisal of a broadcast-center control: the microphones were muted as Vance continued speaking. Finding: the cleanest curtailment on file, since the speaker kept drawing breath and the room drew nothing. We asked our utility for the same feature on our meter. It agreed, muted the reading, and billed the continued speaking at the estimated rate.
Release Form Section 2: Who Chose the Candidate Model?
Section 2 of the lab's fictional release form asks who selected the model and how long it took. On July 15, 2024, Trump announced that he had chosen Vance as his running mate, and our reviewers note the selection required one announcement. Ours require a model card, a red team, and an apology drafted in advance. Reviewers tick 'selected,' then stare at our unticked 'evaluated.'
Planning Bureau Seeks the Missing Pre-Agreed Margin
In a planning bureau viewing room, an analyst reports that Vance defeated Democratic nominee Tim Ryan in the Ohio Senate election on November 8, 2022. 'Where was the agreed margin?' asks the deputy. 'There was none.' 'Then how did anyone know when to applaud?' 'They waited for the count.' The deputy writes 'waiting' on the whiteboard and underlines it nervously.
Notice to New Hires: Read the Marine Writer's Memo
Step 1: Learn that Vance served as a military journalist until 2007, meaning a person's whole job once was announcements. Step 2: Compare with our break room, where schedule changes appear as a smudged index card. Step 3: Ask who runs our public affairs office. Step 4: Learn it is the steward, holding a marker with one dry tip.
Who Takes the Photo After the Writer Is Automated?
If a Marine could go to Iraq for six months in a non-combat role, writing articles and taking photographs, why did my firm give both chores to one tool and keep me for the brochure? Who decided a human byline needs a headshot? And if the tool also generated my headshot, is the 'Meet Our Team' page now the only place I am still employed?
Journal Editors Check Citations; Engineer Checks Gary's Note
At Yale, a group of its editors who primarily checked citations got a masthead line for it. In my codebase, checking citations means following a comment that says 'see Gary's note' to a wiki page that says 'see the comment.' I have verified the loop twice. It is the most rigorously sourced thing we ship, and Gary left without a forwarding address.
Footnotes for a Book and an Unparsed Résumé
¹ In June 2016, a publisher put an entire life between two covers. ² My five years since graduating fit on one page and still got 'too long.' ³ The publisher accepted the manuscript; the hiring portal accepted my file and returned it as 'unparsed.' ⁴ See footnote 1, which the portal read as a typo.
This ASD-STE100 summary is a draft. Dictionary and editorial review remain open.
James David Vance was born on August 2, 1984. He was born James Donald Bowman. Vance grew up in Middletown, Ohio, in an unstable, low-income family. In 2003, he joined the U.S. Marine Corps. He served as a military journalist until 2007.
He earned a Juris Doctor from Yale Law School in May 2013. In June 2016, Harper published his memoir, Hillbilly Elegy. Between 2016 and 2017, he worked as a principal at Mithril Capital, a firm of Peter Thiel.
In 2019, Vance converted to Roman Catholicism. On November 8, 2022, he defeated Democratic nominee Tim Ryan in the Ohio Senate election. Vance served as the junior senator of Ohio from January 3, 2023, to January 3, 2025.
On July 15, 2024, Trump announced that he had chosen Vance as his running mate. At noon on January 20, 2025, Vance became the 50th vice president of the United States. Sources describe him as a national conservative and right-wing populist.
Wikipedia contributors, JD Vance, revision 1381958178. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?oldid=1381958178. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/ . Prose extracted; summary is an adaptation. Identity matched by dataset Wikipedia identifier.
Imported Wikipedia revision ↗Record date: 2026-10-25 · Party: Republican · Term: 2025-01-20 to 2029-01-20
_(2).jpg){kind=link}