Eleven fictional viewpoints
These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
01 Wall Street Big Money Financier
Memo: Our Expense Policy Needs a Title With Two Units
MEMO TO ALL DESKS. Re: naming. Britt and Cotton introduced the Not One More Inch or Acre Act, a title that names two units of measure so that no one can claim slack in either. Effective Monday, our expense policy becomes 'Not One More Dollar or Dinner.' Compliance asks which unit governs a steakhouse bill priced by the ounce. Answer: whichever one the client sees last.
02 Silicon Valley / San Francisco Ivy League AI Founder
Founder Converts a Law Diploma Into GPU-Hours and a Nap
Our founder converts the Juris Doctor from the University of Alabama School of Law in 2013 into GPU-hours and gets eleven fine-tuning runs plus a nap. He is distressed that the exchange rate collapses once the model is allowed to cite anything. He files the figure under 'moat,' deletes the filing, and tells the board that sleep is the real unit of defensibility.
03 Venture Capital
Port Occupation Cleared in Thirty Days; Our Interim Partners Still Parking
Appraisal: Mexican law enforcement occupied a Vulcan Materials port in Quintana Roo, and the Mexican personnel withdrew from the port by the end of the month. We note the occupiers left without a transition agreement. Our own portfolio companies host an 'interim operating partner' who arrived for a quarter, holds a reserved parking space, and has survived two renewals of the word interim. Recommendation: ask the Mexican personnel for their exit memo.
04 Institutional Investors
Form MT-17: Same Eighteen People, Newly Spotless Track Record
FORM MT-17, MANAGER LIFT-OUT. Item 1: the firm closed in March 2014, and Britt and 17 former employees joined the Birmingham office of another firm. Item 2: restate performance history. Trustees note that our failed credit manager did likewise, with the same people, new letterhead and a record beginning Monday. Item 3, 'Prior failures,' is pre-printed 'N/A,' and the consultant bills to confirm it.
05 Data Center Operators
Community Advisory Board Recruits an Egret for Credibility
"She was elected to the Alabama Wildlife Federation's board of directors in April 2021," Marcus reads aloud, "so let's seat a wildlife voice on our community advisory board." Nobody objects. An egret wanders in from the retention pond. The minutes list it as present. It listens to the fan-noise item, says nothing, and becomes the only attendee who never asks about the water draw.
06 Frontier Lab
Grading Instructions for a Phrase Nobody Red-Teamed
Step one: take the phrase 'highly misleading and improperly contextualized.' Step two: note the New York Times aimed it at part of her account of that speech, not every sentence. Step three: reserve such a label for a specific claim, because a verdict on a whole output cannot be reproduced. Step four: before anyone else does, stamp your own evaluation set 'improperly contextualized' and publish the rubric.
07 Chinese Communist Party
Planners Ask Who Approved a Campaign to Self-Govern Business
During 2020, a state business council led a campaign to self-govern business affairs, and the planning office is alarmed. Who issued the slogan before any directive existed? Which enterprise manager may open a shop without a stamped quota? And if our factory directors already self-govern by quietly rewriting output tables, must the bureau now retire the practice because it finally has a catchy name?
08 American Union Worker
At the Hall, First Means the First-Aid Kit
Down at the hall, 'first' mostly means the first-aid kit, last restocked during the previous contract. Britt is the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate from Alabama, a first that required a certified count. The steward admires the paperwork and compares it unfavorably to the kit, which has been first on every agenda and last on every purchase order.
09 White Collar Professional in an AI-Threatened Group
Callback Notes for the Voice That Will Replace Me
Our department is casting a voice for the new assistant, and I have been asked to audition.¹
¹ Britt, we recall, auditioned for the part of 'Scary Mom' on a Saturday night sketch. My notes say warmer, less scary, more like a person who was not just told her job is the sample. The model nailed it in one take, so there will be no callback.
10 American STEM Worker Over 45
Two Rival Rewrite Camps Each Count His Silence as Defection
After the leadership vote, Britt did not say whether she supported Mitch McConnell or Rick Scott, and reporters simply waited. Reversal: when the veteran engineer declines to pick between two rival rewrite plans, each camp logs him as secretly backing the other, and both assign him the rollback weekend. His abstention is the only ballot anyone tallies, twice.
11 American STEM Graduate Five Years Out of College (Not Ivy League)
Culture-Fit Interview Scheduled for the Breakroom, Applicant Brings Lighting
The recruiter's email says the final round is 'casual, in the kitchen.' Having read that critics found it bizarre to deliver her speech from a kitchen, the graduate arrives with a ring light, a rehearsed smile, and a spatula for authenticity. The panel, microwaving fish, scores him 'a lot,' and the feedback says he performed warmth rather than showed it. The role goes to someone who only wanted lunch.