Eleven fictional viewpoints
These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
01 Wall Street Big Money Financier
Four Steps for Receiving a Pledge Against Your Own Fees
Step 1: Read that Sullivan offered Begich the Alaska Agreement, a pledge to drastically limit outside spending. Step 2: Realize the desk is the outside third party. Step 3: Estimate the intermediary fee on the nearly $40 million that arrived anyway. Step 4: Send the rejection a warm thank-you note, and bill it as advisory.
02 Silicon Valley / San Francisco Ivy League AI Founder
Who Commissions the Resource We Keep Calling Oil?
If Governor Sean Parnell appointed him Commissioner of the Alaska Department of Natural Resources, why has no founder in our cohort appointed a Commissioner of Data, the resource we keep calling oil? Who would cut the first permit for a scraped forum? And which of our decks must disclose how many barrels it extracted before calling itself renewable?
03 Venture Capital
Reelection: The Only Extension Round Where Strangers Vote
We call an insider bridge round validation, and a reelection is not so different: Sullivan is a candidate for reelection in 2026, which makes it a follow-on, except the existing holder cannot lead it himself. The deciding strangers were never on the cap table and sign no side letter. It resembles our extension rounds, minus the part where insiders all agree and call it signal.
04 Institutional Investors
Footnote Seven Concerns a June Oath and Our Fiscal Year
The trustees record that Sullivan was sworn in as Alaska Attorney General in June 2009.¹ Staff observe that June is when the fund's fiscal year closes, and that this commitment was the only one that month fitting in a single sentence.
¹ Our June commitments run forty pages, plus an actuarial caveat whose own estimate is itself estimated.
05 Data Center Operators
We Labeled the Cooling Pond a Defense Matter
Reversal: a rider told the Bureau of Land Management to grant the Ambler Access Project right-of-way within 30 days, citing national security. We tried it on our cooling-pond easement and called the pond a defense matter. The county agreed it was urgent, then ordered a supplemental environmental impact statement on the label itself. The rider was dropped from the final bill. The statement about our label was not.
06 Frontier Lab
The Fish Stick Has Better Provenance Than Our Corpus
Evaluators read an amendment about Russian seafood processed in China as a data pipeline: caught in one place, cleaned in another, served to children. They traced the fish sticks end to end in a day. Then someone requested the same trail for our pretraining corpus, scraped, deduplicated and licensed across three countries. The fish had a bill of lading. Our corpus has a Slack message reading 'should be fine.'
07 Chinese Communist Party
Memo: Ships Must Not Sail Past Ports Unstamped
To the Harbor Harmony Office: a foreign senator vowed to work on having our cruise ships bypass your ports. We find the verb alarming. A vessel that passes a harbor without a stamp has displayed initiative. Recommendation: every liner must dock at every port it passes, in spirit if need be. Our flagship has sat at its first berth for years and is logged as having visited all forty.
08 American Union Worker
Local 9 Introduces the Berth Quotient
Local 9 proposes the Berth Quotient: tons of new equipment divided by places to maintain it. The cutters that were scheduled to be homeported in Alaska scored zero, with no port facilities. Our plant's new robot arm scores zero too, crated beside the loading dock. The steward's amendment: nobody unboxes anything until someone has poured the concrete.
09 White Collar Professional in an AI-Threatened Group
Appraisal: Author of a Template I Now Oppose
Appraisal: Sullivan introduced the FIRST STEP Act, but opposed the act after it was amended by the House of Representatives. I know the posture. I wrote our client-letter template; the assistant's auto-improve amended it overnight, and my name stays in the footer. Rating: author in good standing, dissenting in writing, unread. My dissent was summarized as 'sentiment: engaged.'
10 American STEM Worker Over 45
Form Q-7: Grades Suffixed for Missing Records
Form Q-7 appends a Q to any grade when the rating was qualified because Sullivan had no voting record at the time, a rule our software generalizes to 'no ticket history.' Raj, who has two decades of tickets, receives a plain A, which prints as 'unverified, see supervisor.' The intern's Q prints as a gold star, and the form has no box for the person who fixes both.
11 American STEM Graduate Five Years Out of College (Not Ivy League)
Priya's Aunt Takes the Interview By Absentee
Priya lists her sublet as mailing address and her aunt's house as primary residence, then finds the portal sent the interview link to the aunt. Remembering that Sullivan continued to vote in Alaska elections by absentee ballot, she decides her aunt may attend on her behalf. The aunt performs well. The portal logs her as a 'strong culture add' and asks Priya to stop applying.