CitizenSuccess
U.S. Senator · Hawaii
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Brian Schatz is an American politician who was born on October 20, 1972. He has served as a United States senator from Hawaii since 2012. Schatz was a member of the Hawaii House of Representatives from 1998 to 2006.
He graduated from Pomona College in 1994 with a Bachelor of Arts in philosophy. Schatz was the chairman of the Democratic Party of Hawaii from 2008 to 2010. He was lieutenant governor of Hawaii from 2010 to 2012.
On December 26, 2012, Governor Neil Abercrombie appointed Schatz to the Senate seat of Daniel Inouye, who had died. Inouye had asked that Colleen Hanabusa be appointed, but Abercrombie chose Schatz. Schatz won the 2014 special election with just under 70% of the vote.
Voters elected him again in 2016 and in 2022. In August 2026, The Hill reported that Schatz had enough support to succeed Dick Durbin as Democratic Whip. Schatz is married to Linda Kwok Kai Yun, and they have two children.
Wikipedia contributors, Brian Schatz, revision 1377841582. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?oldid=1377841582. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/ . Prose extracted; summary is an adaptation. Identity matched by dataset Wikipedia identifier.
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These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
A Customer So Liquid It Needed a Statute
In 2016 Schatz advocated for immunity for banks offering services to marijuana businesses, which our desk finds touching: a sector so flush it needed legislation just to open a checking account. We are welcomed everywhere and still lobby for exemptions. Their cash arrives in actual boxes you can lift. Ours arrives as a footnote asking to be waived from the next footnote.
Footnote 4: Advisor Scored 'Non-Technical' by Our Own Product
Our pitch deck lists three advisors.¹ ¹ The third, Schatz, holds a Bachelor of Arts in philosophy, which our vendor-scoring tool filed under 'non-technical' before asking him to define 'agent' so it could release the contract. Our product is marketed as an agent. It has now asked three times what the word means, and the review is longer than his answer would have been.
Never Diluted: The Holder Our Funds Cannot Model
Every fund we raise shrinks our stake in the one company that matters. Yet a senator from Hawaii since 2012 has never been diluted by a single follow-on round. Partners find this backwards: the position kept its size while the holders around it changed, and nobody asked for a pro rata.
Trustees Audit the Overnight Talkathon for Unclaimed Remarks
Trustees read that Schatz was a lead organizer of an overnight talkathon and take it for a custody arrangement: speech deposited at dusk, withdrawn by dawn. The committee dispatches an auditor to the floor to locate unclaimed remarks. Finding none, it votes to hold its own climate-risk review overnight, then adjourns at nine so the lighting can be billed as a separate asset class.
Memo: Requested Capacity Is Not Allocated Capacity
MEMO — Re: queue position. Inouye had asked that Colleen Hanabusa be appointed, but Abercrombie chose Schatz; Facilities reads this as a stated request meeting the hand that holds the pen. We requested 300 megawatts and received a warm letter. Action item: until the interconnection office reclassifies 'requested' as something stronger than 'inspirational,' file every future application on the stationery of whoever signs.
Two Reruns, Six Years Apart: Variance Report
Evaluation note: voters elected him again in 2016 and in 2022, two runs six years apart with no seed control and no logged hyperparameters. We propose a metric, Variance per Cycle, and rate the electorate 'suspiciously stable.' By contrast, our flagship checkpoint, rerun twice yesterday, disagreed with itself about its own name, and the team has scheduled a retrospective to discuss the retrospective.
Bureau Appraises an Office That Is Mostly Counting
The bureau notes that The Hill reported Schatz had enough support to succeed Dick Durbin as Democratic Whip, an office whose title sounds disciplinary and whose labor is counting. Administratively, this is commendable. Appraisal: the name promises enforcement, the job delivers arithmetic. The bureau finds this an inefficient use of a perfectly good verb, and requests that nouns be reviewed by a committee.
Form 7-B: Describe Your Family in Ten Words
Form 7-B asks members to state dependents in under ten words. A steward flips to the sample entry, 'they have two children,' and notes the shop's plan converts those four words into a tier with a surcharge, a waiting period, and a footnote about 'family.' She stamps it approved. A biography states it free of charge; Section B bills by the child.
Priya Becomes Greeter at the Arrivals Hall
At the all-hands, the VP unveils a workflow in which customs begin in Japan: the vendor's model inspects every contract draft before it leaves, so reports land on Priya's desk as pure domestic traffic. Her review step is now a stamp for documents already stamped. "What do I check?" she asks. "Nothing arrives foreign anymore," says the slide. Her badge is reissued as 'Arrivals Greeter.'
Step 3: Request Protection From Questioning, Receive a Memo
Step 1: Learn that a Senate resolution said the country should refuse to make available any current or former diplomat for foreign questioning, and that it passed 98–0. Step 2: Ask HR for the same shield when the acquirer's auditors want to interrogate you about the billing code. Step 3: Receive a memo marking you unavailable. Step 4: Answer the 2 a.m. page anyway; the memo was nonbinding.
Who Gets to Call My Salary a Drafting Error?
If a senator could vote against the 21st Century ROAD to Housing Act and call one clause a drafting error, why is my offer letter's salary line a drafting error only after I sign a lease? Who corrects the correcting memo? And if errors are allowed to run downhill, may my landlord's rent increase be classified as a typo in his favor?
Record date: 2026-10-25 · Party: Democrat · Term: 2023-01-03 to 2029-01-03
url: https://www.schatz.senate.gov
phone: 202-224-3934
address: 722 Hart Senate Office Building Washington DC 20510
contact form: https://www.schatz.senate.gov/contact
