Eleven fictional viewpoints
These descriptions are fictional satire, not quotations or evidence of political beliefs or affiliations.
01 Wall Street Big Money Financier
Trading Desk Prices the Independent Who Delivers Like a Swap
"Independent, but he caucuses with the Democratic Party?" the junior asks. "That's a swap," the senior trader says. "Label on one leg, delivery on the other. Which leg pays?" They study the whiteboard until the junior notes that the desk's own 'independent research' arrives from the same building as its trades. The senior erases the word 'independent' and blames a typo.
02 Silicon Valley / San Francisco Ivy League AI Founder
Founder's Guide to Pitching a Laptop Program Without Meeting the Charging Cart
How to pitch a statewide plan to give laptops to public middle-school students: Step one, resist calling it a pilot. Step two, locate the charging cart, which lives in a closet your model has never met. Step three, accept that seventh graders will test your onboarding in nine seconds and leave no feedback. Step four, retire the word 'disrupt' until you can name the closet's custodian.
03 Venture Capital
Who Led the Round When Nobody Held the Cap Table?
He won the 1994 election with no party behind him, so who led the round? If four entrants shared the field, was anyone the category leader, or merely the one with the least dilution? Why does our term sheet insist on a lead investor when a ballot closed without one? And which partner will explain at the annual meeting that having no lead was always the thesis?
04 Institutional Investors
Trustees Search the Binder for One Thing Worth Inspecting
Trustees admired a Maine statement that named consumer protections for blueberry inspections as worth keeping, a safeguard with an actual fruit attached. Our policy promises 'robust oversight of underlying holdings' and names nothing, not even a berry. A volunteer searched the binder for a single inspected object and returned with the elevator certificate, expired. The committee resolved to defend it vigorously, pending a consultant's definition of 'vigorously'.
05 Data Center Operators
Permit Staff Meet an Applicant Whose Product Was Less Load
Applicant is described in the file as a company that developed and operated electrical energy conservation projects.¹
¹ This office has reviewed requests for megawatts, for water, and for mercy on cooling. It has never reviewed a request whose product was a smaller number. Staff recommend a permit class for demand that declines to appear, plus a lobby sign reading 'Please Do Not Plug In.'
06 Frontier Lab
Access Team Fails Its Own Rubric Against a Classroom Laptop
Reversal for the access team: in 2002 King started the Maine Learning Technology Initiative, a laptop program for public middle-school students. Our version of broad access is a waitlist, a tiered API, and a blog post titled 'Responsible Availability.' Evaluators ran both through our own rubric. The laptops passed on distribution. We passed on adjectives.
07 Chinese Communist Party
Bureau Requests Both Lists Behind a Caucus Remark
The bureau reads that who he caucuses with is less important than who he works with, and immediately requests both lists. One would name his party cell, the other his work unit, and the memo is troubled that the second may outrank the first. Staff have never seen a file where the two lines differ. Please advise which stamp governs, and whether anyone has printed a form with space for the difference.
08 American Union Worker
Memo Announces Conservation Drive, Exempts the Fifteen-Minute Break
TO: All shifts. RE: Conservation. In recognition of electrical energy conservation projects, effective Monday the break room will run on a conserved basis: one lamp, one outlet, one kettle for two hundred. The plant will conserve electricity. It will not, at this time, conserve the fifteen-minute break, which has been consumed since the reorganization. Questions may be submitted in writing, in the dark.
09 White Collar Professional in an AI-Threatened Group
Evidence-per-Icon Score Ranks My Role Below a Crustacean
Our new Evidence-per-Icon score measures what a role must submit before it may exist. A lobster pictogram took a petition to the Unicode Consortium, providing Google search data to argue that there was a need. My role has now filed four petitions. The assistant filed none, being classed as a feature. I attached searches where colleagues typed 'who reviews this'; HR logged them as demand for the assistant.
10 American STEM Worker Over 45
Appraisal of a Vote Cast in Error and Never Reverted
Appraisal: one report says the subject reportedly claimed to have mistakenly voted for Josh Divine, a lifetime appointment with no undo key. Our deploy tool offers a ninety-second revert window, and I am the only reviewer who reads diffs past line forty, so every approval made in error is routed to me. Rating: the lifetime term is the superior design. Next quarter's tool adds a permanent-merge option, and I have been asked to approve it, presumably by mistake.
11 American STEM Graduate Five Years Out of College (Not Ivy League)
Form 7-B Thanks You for Your Independence and Declines It
Form 7-B, Affiliation. Check one: Employer, Referral, Bootcamp, or None. History shows a candidate can win as an independent in a four-way race, but this portal's 'None' box triggers a rejection email within four seconds. Please attach a sponsor, a recommender, and a reason your degree still counts as recent. The form thanks you for your independence and declines it.